parents meeting

so last night my mom and dad sat down with me to have a talk about England. pretty much they said, im now 19, an adult, so pretty much if i want to make this trip happen i have to do everything. From the passport (which i already have) to the student loan, which will be the hard part. so... im going full out on this shit. if i have to give them a pinky finger i will. im going. i need it, and i think it will be good to have me out of the house for a bit and let my parents have some quite... kinda... since i know some of my freinds will still come over, like danny, or james who watches Sons of Anarchy every wensday night at my house. lol.

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My buddy chris is coming to visit for 2 weeks. this kid is coming from Romania!!! I fucking cant wait!!!

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is it so hard just to find someone who matches me and not have myself fuck it up. lol. i just want that falling alseep next to someone. its been too long since ive done that. hope it happens soon, cuz i know if someone comes up in january, i wont take it, knowing i am leaving in 2 months. i just want to hold hands again.

aww..... another day. more work. though it is a friday. :) i think im slowing down on drinking. too much money on it. lol.
till next time.

i need something

found out some shit. i dont know if i can still be optimistic. its just keeps getting so much harder. i need a sign to keep going.

my trip is hence forth in jeopardy. but i am going to try an push as hard as i can to go. not to mention on the laptop at home, the delete button is broken so i have to highlight every time. and if you know m spelling..... hahahaha

till next time.

Im actually getting afraid

As i start to put the numbers together in my head and working out this trip i am planning, not to mention getting my stuff together for a passport, im getting nervous.Ive been talking to friends, and family, and not surprisingly they both seem to have the same fear, that i kinda hope for, that i wont come back. and i wont lie, im trying to make it happen. When i get there im going to try and get a job, and when all the other students are leaveing, ill be saying by to them from london, ill catch the first train on the M6 to Birmingham, and look for another job and so forth. i wont lie. im scared. scared to fail, scared to succeed, scared to not accomplish. i want to learn as much i can, i want to live the football life. i want to tryout for a team, one that would pay. i want to do soo many things. im afraid i wont be able too, or ill do them, and ill stay there, and ill tear my parents to bits to tell that over the phone, and not being able to see my friends. Im afraid of trying.

perfection is impossible

ive been trying to think of something worth writting for the past few days to finally come back to the idea, that if given a great opportunity we blow it. simple in idea, but giant in reality. it almost comes back to regret, but is the fear we all have inside, the fact to have something perfect scares us, its too good to be true?? or is it? when asking 3 female's (taking note that it is only 3 i have asked) i asked if given the chance to have the "fairy tale" like that in the notebook, all three said yes. But when asked if they would trust a man who they bearly know after some odd years of no contact, if they would break off being married to another man, who they love, and would be happy with, 2/3 said no, and i think the 1/3 was lieing. lol. but really. would you give it wall up? no. of course not. so its not that we mess up the perfection, its that we are too scared to try, to scared to let go of what we have already gained.
so ask yourself. are you one of the 2/3rds?

i am.

figured, what the hell!?

so, i wrote this along time ago, about 3+ years, and thought id put it up, since i rarely do on myspace. be critical.


“perfect moment”

The days die down
The wind less fluttering,
Though I wish the stars
Away for a moment.
The air is cold
I feel you shiver,
I’ll bring you in close
Holding you tight
Wishing this to last forever,
But no one will accept
The time to stop still
Because the pulse of your heart
Is all I want to feel.
As time fly’s by
Still we’ll lay,
Till the sun
Turns to a shade.
In this perfect moment
As we are intertwined
Our lips touch,
A gasp of air
Our eyes meeting again
Almost like the first time
saying things we’ve never said
But peace is all we hear.
And we will live
In this perfect moment,
Eternity is mine my dear

lack of self content

i have become increasingly aware of my situation which i hate so much. So to push myself out of this relaxed state I am applying for the FJC transfer program. i feel i am being hypocritical, since i can distinctly remembering more than once saying someone should have the will power to push themselves even if there is no real need to. Sadly i must conciede defeat to my own hypocrasy and see if i can leave. dont get me wrong, i love my friends, but i hate these people who say they are my friends, but i believe 3 months away will help me so. not only that, but it would be to london, and if you know me then you know how much i want to go. so wish me luck.